I wallow

Yes I am wallowing – in self pity, in pain, in grief. I don’t know how to drag myself out of it at the moment and it’s only been a day that seems like a lifetime. And, yes paisley, the fault is mine and therefore the solution can only be mine as well. I just don’t see what that is yet.

In the months after my father died I did decide to put aside the rational me and I sought out the services of a spiritualist. Now at that time I had had my epiphany and thought that I was in love with the other lady, but we were not in a relationship, in fact she was seeing someone else at that time. I was still married.

I was struggling badly with Dad’s death and whilst not wallowing like I am now, I did feel that I needed to change things from what they were. My wife had sensed even then that things were wrong and had made efforts to engage me but I ignored them. She has told me recently that her and the kids considered me a grumpy old man for the last five years and I was taken aback by that description. I guess I was so caught up in work that I put everything else second to that. And the reason I did that was because we had lost a lot of money in a failed business venture and I needed to work to try and reduce some of our debt. Work was a vindication of my role as the father, the husband, the provider.

So I was working hard, ignoring my family, falling in love with another woman and my father had just died. Whilst I had considered myself a sceptic I figured that it couldn’t really hurt to see a spiritualist.

I found one locally who did tarot readings so called and made a booking. What struck me were her first words to me “Laurie, I’ve been seeing this woman all the way whilst driving here this morning. She is crying and deeply hurt and you need to leave her as soon as possible so she can move on.”

That spooked me, this woman knew nothing about me at the time, just my first name, and I had not mentioned anything at all about my circumstances. I still have the notes somewhere but the other thing I remember is that she told me I would marry the other woman and that we would be happy together.

So for me it was the beginning of a new possibility but I wanted to try and extradite myself from the marriage with as little pain as possible. Very foolish idea as it turned out. I prevaricated for around 18 months and all that time the other lady waited for me. When I eventually found the courage to leave I still couldn’t find the courage to commit fully to the other relationship because I was trying to protect my kids and I wanted them to accept a new partner for me. I thought that if I took things slowly that time would help that. What a fool eh?

The past few weeks I had been reaching a decision – if milady went away and decided that I was truly “the one” then I would throw my heart and soul into making it work. A risky strategy as it turned out. You see it wasn’t my love that I doubted it was her feelings. I have wrestled with whether I should state my reasons for that conclusion but it isn’t fair to do so. And to be honest most of them are tied up with my slowness to commit. And as this midlife episode deepened I had huge self esteem issues and started to question my worthiness in many aspects. One of the consequences was that I was measuring myself against other people and finding that I was coming up short in so many ways, so I’d pull back thinking I was unworthy of love.

There were also a number of revelations from milady about past events that she had previously hidden from me that I took as criticism of me. But the big issue I had there was that I believed that we had made a commitment for honesty and as each new thing was revealed that commitment was torn down. Now I didn’t have an issue if she said there are things I am not ready to talk about yet, I struggled with the fact that someone says that the whole truth is told but there is more that comes out later on.

Love, as they say however, is blind. It is about accepting the good, the bad and the ugly. And right here, right now, it does feel bad and ugly, because I don’t know now if there is a future or not.