My Darling Daughter


Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while may remember the issue I had where my niece decided to leave a couple of comments here which I responded to here and here.

Last night daughter number two read those posts and posted her own comment which said –

Daughter number 2! said…

when did Amanda send that 2 you?

She can state her own opinion but i now see that you write on here what you want to get off your chest!

and she had no right to say that 2 u!!!

August 2, 2007 10:07 PM

My darling daughter,

Please don’t let what Amanda said worry you, nor is it worth getting angry about. People can always have opinions and sometimes they can be right and sometimes they will be wrong. Sometimes they will say things out of anger, or out of concern for other people, or maybe just because they get a bit self righteous and feel like they have a right to speak their minds no matter whether that has the potential to hurt other people or not.

But understand that Amanda’s words can’t hurt me and therefore they shouldn’t be something you waste your time dwelling on. I guess that I could say there is a lesson to be learnt for everyone here and that is you really do need to understand the power that words can have. If you learn that words, written or spoken, have the power to make people feel really good about themselves, or alternatively, the power to totally destroy them, then you can fully control any impact that the bad magic words can have over you. Nothing nasty that anyone can say can ever truly hurt you if you can understand the problem lies with them and not with you. That doesn’t mean that we should never take any notice of what people say about us, but we need to put it into context. If what they say means we can be kinder or more caring people than we are today, then of course we should aim to do that. But if they tell us we’re dumb, or stupid, or ugly, or too fat or too thin, and those things are said purely to hurt us, then we can justifiably ignore them.

I do want to thank you for posting because I know you were angry that I was writing things on the blog and I hope that you do now understand things a bit better than what you did before. You are right, this is a place where I can get things off my chest. Unlike your Mum, who has a lot of friends with whom she could talk, I didn’t have that and blogging became a place for me to write and where I could get some feedback from other people.

I think a lot of people don’t really understand how important receiving comments and feedback can be for lonely people and that is why I am really grateful for the friends I have made through blogging. Sure it’s a weird sort of friendship because the chances of me actually meeting any of these people is pretty slim, nonetheless, it is real. I guess in the olden days these sorts of friends would have been called penpals, the difference that the internet has made is that we don’t have to wait days, weeks or even months for feedback, and in fact, there is a possibility of real dialogue here. We can check in on people every day and find out what they’ve been doing and how they are feeling. So please also understand that I have not written anything with the intention of hurting you or anyone else.

No matter what happens I want you to know that I love you very much and I really do want to thank you for posting a comment on this blog. I hope you don’t mind that I have responded publicly but I wanted my blogging friends to know what a wonderful kid you are. You are my little ray of sunshine. See you at basketball tomorrow.

Love

Dad XXX

My Darling Daughter


Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while may remember the issue I had where my niece decided to leave a couple of comments here which I responded to here and here.

Last night daughter number two read those posts and posted her own comment which said –

Daughter number 2! said…

when did Amanda send that 2 you?

She can state her own opinion but i now see that you write on here what you want to get off your chest!

and she had no right to say that 2 u!!!

August 2, 2007 10:07 PM

My darling daughter,

Please don’t let what Amanda said worry you, nor is it worth getting angry about. People can always have opinions and sometimes they can be right and sometimes they will be wrong. Sometimes they will say things out of anger, or out of concern for other people, or maybe just because they get a bit self righteous and feel like they have a right to speak their minds no matter whether that has the potential to hurt other people or not.

But understand that Amanda’s words can’t hurt me and therefore they shouldn’t be something you waste your time dwelling on. I guess that I could say there is a lesson to be learnt for everyone here and that is you really do need to understand the power that words can have. If you learn that words, written or spoken, have the power to make people feel really good about themselves, or alternatively, the power to totally destroy them, then you can fully control any impact that the bad magic words can have over you. Nothing nasty that anyone can say can ever truly hurt you if you can understand the problem lies with them and not with you. That doesn’t mean that we should never take any notice of what people say about us, but we need to put it into context. If what they say means we can be kinder or more caring people than we are today, then of course we should aim to do that. But if they tell us we’re dumb, or stupid, or ugly, or too fat or too thin, and those things are said purely to hurt us, then we can justifiably ignore them.

I do want to thank you for posting because I know you were angry that I was writing things on the blog and I hope that you do now understand things a bit better than what you did before. You are right, this is a place where I can get things off my chest. Unlike your Mum, who has a lot of friends with whom she could talk, I didn’t have that and blogging became a place for me to write and where I could get some feedback from other people.

I think a lot of people don’t really understand how important receiving comments and feedback can be for lonely people and that is why I am really grateful for the friends I have made through blogging. Sure it’s a weird sort of friendship because the chances of me actually meeting any of these people is pretty slim, nonetheless, it is real. I guess in the olden days these sorts of friends would have been called penpals, the difference that the internet has made is that we don’t have to wait days, weeks or even months for feedback, and in fact, there is a possibility of real dialogue here. We can check in on people every day and find out what they’ve been doing and how they are feeling. So please also understand that I have not written anything with the intention of hurting you or anyone else.

No matter what happens I want you to know that I love you very much and I really do want to thank you for posting a comment on this blog. I hope you don’t mind that I have responded publicly but I wanted my blogging friends to know what a wonderful kid you are. You are my little ray of sunshine. See you at basketball tomorrow.

Love

Dad XXX

My Darling Daughter


Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while may remember the issue I had where my niece decided to leave a couple of comments here which I responded to here and here.

Last night daughter number two read those posts and posted her own comment which said –

Daughter number 2! said…

when did Amanda send that 2 you?

She can state her own opinion but i now see that you write on here what you want to get off your chest!

and she had no right to say that 2 u!!!

August 2, 2007 10:07 PM

My darling daughter,

Please don’t let what Amanda said worry you, nor is it worth getting angry about. People can always have opinions and sometimes they can be right and sometimes they will be wrong. Sometimes they will say things out of anger, or out of concern for other people, or maybe just because they get a bit self righteous and feel like they have a right to speak their minds no matter whether that has the potential to hurt other people or not.

But understand that Amanda’s words can’t hurt me and therefore they shouldn’t be something you waste your time dwelling on. I guess that I could say there is a lesson to be learnt for everyone here and that is you really do need to understand the power that words can have. If you learn that words, written or spoken, have the power to make people feel really good about themselves, or alternatively, the power to totally destroy them, then you can fully control any impact that the bad magic words can have over you. Nothing nasty that anyone can say can ever truly hurt you if you can understand the problem lies with them and not with you. That doesn’t mean that we should never take any notice of what people say about us, but we need to put it into context. If what they say means we can be kinder or more caring people than we are today, then of course we should aim to do that. But if they tell us we’re dumb, or stupid, or ugly, or too fat or too thin, and those things are said purely to hurt us, then we can justifiably ignore them.

I do want to thank you for posting because I know you were angry that I was writing things on the blog and I hope that you do now understand things a bit better than what you did before. You are right, this is a place where I can get things off my chest. Unlike your Mum, who has a lot of friends with whom she could talk, I didn’t have that and blogging became a place for me to write and where I could get some feedback from other people.

I think a lot of people don’t really understand how important receiving comments and feedback can be for lonely people and that is why I am really grateful for the friends I have made through blogging. Sure it’s a weird sort of friendship because the chances of me actually meeting any of these people is pretty slim, nonetheless, it is real. I guess in the olden days these sorts of friends would have been called penpals, the difference that the internet has made is that we don’t have to wait days, weeks or even months for feedback, and in fact, there is a possibility of real dialogue here. We can check in on people every day and find out what they’ve been doing and how they are feeling. So please also understand that I have not written anything with the intention of hurting you or anyone else.

No matter what happens I want you to know that I love you very much and I really do want to thank you for posting a comment on this blog. I hope you don’t mind that I have responded publicly but I wanted my blogging friends to know what a wonderful kid you are. You are my little ray of sunshine. See you at basketball tomorrow.

Love

Dad XXX

Letter to Amanda 1981

As most of you know my niece Amanda had a bit of a crack at me last week. By coincidence I was re-reading some of my old journals last night [I know, I need to get a real life] and I came across this letter I wrote to her on the occasion of her Christening.

From Journal 1 – 21 July 1981

I wrote this on Amanda’s Christening card some time ago –

I suppose on the occasion of a Christening it is pertinent to offer some sort of advice to the Christenee; even if he or she probably won’t be able to understand it for another fifteen to twenty years.

Firstly always listen to the advice of others. This does not imply blind acceptance but rather a careful consideration of all points of view before you make up your own mind.

Secondly, remember that wisdom is measured in experience and not merely in years. I have known children with a clearer view of the world than many adults whose years have clouded their views with bigotry, hatred and bitterness. Remember therefore, that wisdom can be found in places where it is least expected.

Thirdly, believe in wilderness for it is the only sure escape from the regimentation of day to day activity. The knowledge that wilderness exists provides a possible escape from the rule of the clock. Anyone who has seen an ocean sunset or felt the cold sting of a mountain wind on a winter morn will know what I mean.

Finally be not afraid to dream.

Letter to Amanda 1981

As most of you know my niece Amanda had a bit of a crack at me last week. By coincidence I was re-reading some of my old journals last night [I know, I need to get a real life] and I came across this letter I wrote to her on the occasion of her Christening.

From Journal 1 – 21 July 1981

I wrote this on Amanda’s Christening card some time ago –

I suppose on the occasion of a Christening it is pertinent to offer some sort of advice to the Christenee; even if he or she probably won’t be able to understand it for another fifteen to twenty years.

Firstly always listen to the advice of others. This does not imply blind acceptance but rather a careful consideration of all points of view before you make up your own mind.

Secondly, remember that wisdom is measured in experience and not merely in years. I have known children with a clearer view of the world than many adults whose years have clouded their views with bigotry, hatred and bitterness. Remember therefore, that wisdom can be found in places where it is least expected.

Thirdly, believe in wilderness for it is the only sure escape from the regimentation of day to day activity. The knowledge that wilderness exists provides a possible escape from the rule of the clock. Anyone who has seen an ocean sunset or felt the cold sting of a mountain wind on a winter morn will know what I mean.

Finally be not afraid to dream.

X’s Response

My ex wrote apologising for the nieces outburst saying she didn’t understand why she had done it and that she shouldn’t have felt the need to say anything at all. She also said that she had stopped reading the blogs and that someone else had told her about the last few posts.

She also told me that I needed to stop apologising, that it served no purpose to keep living the guilt and that it was time for both of us to move on guilt free. She hopes that I can look to the future instead of re-examining the past. Now I think that I can only really do that if I do keep trawling through that past but I don’t see that as an unhealthy thing to do.

Very gracious and brave things to say. I truly hope that one day we will be friends again.

X’s Response

My ex wrote apologising for the nieces outburst saying she didn’t understand why she had done it and that she shouldn’t have felt the need to say anything at all. She also said that she had stopped reading the blogs and that someone else had told her about the last few posts.

She also told me that I needed to stop apologising, that it served no purpose to keep living the guilt and that it was time for both of us to move on guilt free. She hopes that I can look to the future instead of re-examining the past. Now I think that I can only really do that if I do keep trawling through that past but I don’t see that as an unhealthy thing to do.

Very gracious and brave things to say. I truly hope that one day we will be friends again.

From My Niece Too

My niece did reply and I have posted it here as a new post rather than a comment –

Laurie,
I am unsure if you will keep this response up, but thought I would send a quick reply due to all the comments I attracted by my earlier entry to you.
My original comment was triggered by anger and frustration, that had been brewing towards you for some time, I could have handled it better, but I do not regret what I said, as you know me, and you know I say what I feel, a good quality maybe not always, but I stand by what I said.
I find this very immature to even respond to these peoples comments , they dont know me, and they only know of you what you want them to know, There are two sides to everything and I know from reading these pages and knowing you and how very clever you are with your literacy and abilitys to write a journal, (something up until now I have admired), I know you are very clever in your writing and how you put things across to others is very well done, but I still say all fiction, you have buttered things up to seem like you are the one wearing the “Halo”, as someone said.
In respect to your reply to me about the future catching up on you, I find that rediculious comment, you make your future, you dont just wake up one morning and discover you have hurt your life long partner, it dosnt just happen, all choices YOU made , no amout of sweet talking can change that, it dosnt sneak up on you.
I know my aunt will flip at me for this, but you put this out there for people to read, you are clearly seeking something from it, otherwise you would keep it private. I can understand that you would be seeking understanding and sympathy from people, given your situation, but is it all valid when it is coming from people who dont know you and only hear your side of things.
You decieved alot of people Laurie, not just your immidiate family, alot of people felt betrayed by you, including me.
This is my final comment to you, I wish you luck in your new journey, dont forget what it took for you to get there though and the people along the way.
As for your blogger pals, I will not stoop to retaliate to them.
Amanda

*********************************************

Dear Amanda

I have never denied I lied, or cheated or that I hurt people, your aunt in particular. If by betrayal you mean that I turned out to be something different to what you thought I was, I plead guilty. I’ve turned out to be something different to what I thought I was too.

I have never claimed that I wear a halo. And of course this blog is from my perspective, I’m the one writing it. I didn’t tell your aunt about this blog. she found out from someone else, nor did I tell you so I therefore assume you found out from someone else too. I also assume that if you truly believe this should be private that you won’t pass the information onto anyone else. In lots of ways I wish I’d written it anonymously, it might have made things easier.

By saying that in your opinion all that I have written is fiction, you just confirm to me that you don’t know me at all. Not your fault, I don’t connect with many people, certainly don’t reveal everything to everyone. You can call that clever writing too if you wish. This is all part of my journey of self discovery. My selfishness if you like. Nothing is “buttered” up here, I am not looking to justify my choices, nor looking for vindication or forgiveness.

This is actually the only place I have told part of my story, with the exception of my Counsellor. I assume that the rest of the story, the other side if you wish to call it that, has been told to other people by other people, maybe even by yourself. Certainly someone is telling people who know me about this blog and it’s not me.

Despite what you may think about my “blogger pals” I have gotten solace from their comments and their long distance companionship. I don’t expect people to understand that either. And yes, it is as valid as anything. Weird the places you can find friendships.

My comment about the future had absolutely nothing to do with a denial that I made choices. It has everything to do with the fact that we don’t have any real idea what the future holds – thus it creeps up on you. I won’t go into the choices you’ve made here, other than to say that you too have made some that affect other people, and whether you like it or not, you will have to live with them. And right here, right now, you have no idea how that will turn out and whether the people affected will understand why you made the choices you have made on their behalf. If you want me to clarify that cryptic comment you know where to find me.

One final thing – don’t keep making assumptions about what you think my motivations are – I am not seeking either sympathy or understanding from anyone. This is about understanding myself. Sometimes a comment from someone else can make you look at things in a different way and that for me is a good thing. I don’t need to justify it to anyone.

Believe it or not I am sorry for the hurt, sorry I didn’t turn out the way you and all those other people you mentioned thought I would. I suppose you think that this apology is all about making me seem better than I am but nothing would be further from the truth.

Your Uncle Laurie

PS to my blogger friends – thankyou for your support, no point in keeping any flame wars going here. I deserve the anger and I’m not going to get bitter and twisted about it. I guess in some quarters it really won’t matter what I say or how I say it, it may all appear to be self serving.

From My Niece Too

My niece did reply and I have posted it here as a new post rather than a comment –

Laurie,
I am unsure if you will keep this response up, but thought I would send a quick reply due to all the comments I attracted by my earlier entry to you.
My original comment was triggered by anger and frustration, that had been brewing towards you for some time, I could have handled it better, but I do not regret what I said, as you know me, and you know I say what I feel, a good quality maybe not always, but I stand by what I said.
I find this very immature to even respond to these peoples comments , they dont know me, and they only know of you what you want them to know, There are two sides to everything and I know from reading these pages and knowing you and how very clever you are with your literacy and abilitys to write a journal, (something up until now I have admired), I know you are very clever in your writing and how you put things across to others is very well done, but I still say all fiction, you have buttered things up to seem like you are the one wearing the “Halo”, as someone said.
In respect to your reply to me about the future catching up on you, I find that rediculious comment, you make your future, you dont just wake up one morning and discover you have hurt your life long partner, it dosnt just happen, all choices YOU made , no amout of sweet talking can change that, it dosnt sneak up on you.
I know my aunt will flip at me for this, but you put this out there for people to read, you are clearly seeking something from it, otherwise you would keep it private. I can understand that you would be seeking understanding and sympathy from people, given your situation, but is it all valid when it is coming from people who dont know you and only hear your side of things.
You decieved alot of people Laurie, not just your immidiate family, alot of people felt betrayed by you, including me.
This is my final comment to you, I wish you luck in your new journey, dont forget what it took for you to get there though and the people along the way.
As for your blogger pals, I will not stoop to retaliate to them.
Amanda

*********************************************

Dear Amanda

I have never denied I lied, or cheated or that I hurt people, your aunt in particular. If by betrayal you mean that I turned out to be something different to what you thought I was, I plead guilty. I’ve turned out to be something different to what I thought I was too.

I have never claimed that I wear a halo. And of course this blog is from my perspective, I’m the one writing it. I didn’t tell your aunt about this blog. she found out from someone else, nor did I tell you so I therefore assume you found out from someone else too. I also assume that if you truly believe this should be private that you won’t pass the information onto anyone else. In lots of ways I wish I’d written it anonymously, it might have made things easier.

By saying that in your opinion all that I have written is fiction, you just confirm to me that you don’t know me at all. Not your fault, I don’t connect with many people, certainly don’t reveal everything to everyone. You can call that clever writing too if you wish. This is all part of my journey of self discovery. My selfishness if you like. Nothing is “buttered” up here, I am not looking to justify my choices, nor looking for vindication or forgiveness.

This is actually the only place I have told part of my story, with the exception of my Counsellor. I assume that the rest of the story, the other side if you wish to call it that, has been told to other people by other people, maybe even by yourself. Certainly someone is telling people who know me about this blog and it’s not me.

Despite what you may think about my “blogger pals” I have gotten solace from their comments and their long distance companionship. I don’t expect people to understand that either. And yes, it is as valid as anything. Weird the places you can find friendships.

My comment about the future had absolutely nothing to do with a denial that I made choices. It has everything to do with the fact that we don’t have any real idea what the future holds – thus it creeps up on you. I won’t go into the choices you’ve made here, other than to say that you too have made some that affect other people, and whether you like it or not, you will have to live with them. And right here, right now, you have no idea how that will turn out and whether the people affected will understand why you made the choices you have made on their behalf. If you want me to clarify that cryptic comment you know where to find me.

One final thing – don’t keep making assumptions about what you think my motivations are – I am not seeking either sympathy or understanding from anyone. This is about understanding myself. Sometimes a comment from someone else can make you look at things in a different way and that for me is a good thing. I don’t need to justify it to anyone.

Believe it or not I am sorry for the hurt, sorry I didn’t turn out the way you and all those other people you mentioned thought I would. I suppose you think that this apology is all about making me seem better than I am but nothing would be further from the truth.

Your Uncle Laurie

PS to my blogger friends – thankyou for your support, no point in keeping any flame wars going here. I deserve the anger and I’m not going to get bitter and twisted about it. I guess in some quarters it really won’t matter what I say or how I say it, it may all appear to be self serving.

From My Niece

Hi Laurie,
I would say uncle but that is a title I reserve for someone I feel respect for.
I think after reading as much of your crap I could stomach, I was right in my initial assumption of you when all the shit first started, you are a wanker!
I feel you have caused enough latley without putting all details on the internet, really!
Get out a pen and paper, and write it down, No one else needs to hear all the shit you spill, Did you see that in you AURA!!

July 4, 2007 2:25 PM

I actually deleted this message from the manchild post and activated comment moderation to stop this sort of flaming from being posted. Then I thought that maybe I should post it and perhaps make comment on it myself.

This is from my niece, and I guess the first thing to say is that respect is a bit like virginity, once it’s lost it’s very hard to get it back. So Amanda, I respect your feelings for your aunt and perhaps everything you say about me is true. I’ve called myself worse over the last few years and nothing anyone else can call me will wipe away those feelings anyway. So go ahead and vent. Maybe you can tell other people what you’ve said here and how proud you are that you’ve had a crack at me.

A wanker because of what? I know what I did far more than what anyone else does, you included, but at the end of the day it isn’t really any of your business. You don’t have to read any of this if you don’t want to. If you are really concerned about the feelings of other people you won’t discuss it with them. But the problem with gossips is that they can’t keep things to themselves, they have to talk about it with other people even when it isn’t really any of their business.

Other people have told me not to write as well and there are many things I have written that aren’t up here, but just so we are on the same page let me say this. I regret the hurt I’ve given to your aunt and the rest of my family. I am deeply sorry for that. I know nothing I ever say will be enough to explain why things happened the way they did and I don’t have any expectations of forgiveness.

Amanda, you too have had broken relationships, you may well have more in the future, despite how things appear to be going at the moment. That’s the thing about the future – it creeps up on you and has a way of turning in unexpected directions. I hope you are forever virtuous and that you are never hurt, or at least that maybe one day you’ll try and understand a little better than you do at the moment.

Reading this is optional, I’m not forcing anyone to read it. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Find something else to hate and don’t waste your time and energy on me. I’m a wanker remember.

I haven’t decided if I’ll leave this post up yet Amanda, but I expect you might check back in to see if I’ve commented. You’ll certainly see that the comment on the original post has been deleted. Feel free to flame again if you must, just don’t expect me to allow it to be published.

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