14th August

This blog has been hidden for some months. Months when I have not found a lot of time to write and that has made me poorer because I’ve lost contact with my blog friends. My former real life friends have all abandoned me anyway and I hid the blog because of criticisms and sensitivities associated with what I’ve written and the way I wrote it. Since I’ve lost them anyway I’m going to reveal this blog again.

14th August passed without me knowing for the first time in 4 years. In 2004 on that Saturday my Dad died and that served as a catalyst for a great deal of change for me – my marriage ended, I commenced a new relationship, bought a new house, got sacked from my job and started a new career.

I did not remember the date my Dad died this year for the first time since it happened. That seems weird to me, maybe it’s a sign that I am moving on, that this midlife adventure is slowing down. That I can now start to get back into the stream and slowly paddle forward again.

There is barely a day goes by when I don’t think of Dad but I am making my peace with what went before. Yesterday I was watching a Garth Brooks special on CMC and “The Dance” was played. There are some songs that make me emotional every time I hear them and that is one. So for Dad and for what has happened in the past four years please have a listen.

14th August

This blog has been hidden for some months. Months when I have not found a lot of time to write and that has made me poorer because I’ve lost contact with my blog friends. My former real life friends have all abandoned me anyway and I hid the blog because of criticisms and sensitivities associated with what I’ve written and the way I wrote it. Since I’ve lost them anyway I’m going to reveal this blog again.

14th August passed without me knowing for the first time in 4 years. In 2004 on that Saturday my Dad died and that served as a catalyst for a great deal of change for me – my marriage ended, I commenced a new relationship, bought a new house, got sacked from my job and started a new career.

I did not remember the date my Dad died this year for the first time since it happened. That seems weird to me, maybe it’s a sign that I am moving on, that this midlife adventure is slowing down. That I can now start to get back into the stream and slowly paddle forward again.

There is barely a day goes by when I don’t think of Dad but I am making my peace with what went before. Yesterday I was watching a Garth Brooks special on CMC and “The Dance” was played. There are some songs that make me emotional every time I hear them and that is one. So for Dad and for what has happened in the past four years please have a listen.

Slipping Away?

Particularly ordinary day today. You know the feeling when you anticipate something really good is going to happen and then you get an inkling that the opposite may be true. Nothing you can really put your finger on, just a feeling of dread that grabs the spine and knots the shoulders so bad that you’ve got to make a conscious effort to try and relax. And despite those efforts you can’t seem to unwind.

The springs were wound way too tight for me last night. Didn’t sleep. Felt crook in the guts and couldn’t find that position in bed that would let me drift off. Tried counting sheep, spent hours watching the light show on closed eyelids and spent time trying to blanken my mind to find that spot where I could retreat and take stock even if just for a couple of hours.

There are days when things just seem to be on the edge of slipping away. Days when despite a sense of excitement that the apprehension just builds and fears become all consuming, when the future all of a sudden seems muddy again.

And in being in that unwanted place I am reminded of a quote from Norman Mailer’s book – Armies of the Night –

Deliver us from our curse for we must end on the road to that mystery where courage, death and dream of love give promise of sleep.

Slipping Away?

Particularly ordinary day today. You know the feeling when you anticipate something really good is going to happen and then you get an inkling that the opposite may be true. Nothing you can really put your finger on, just a feeling of dread that grabs the spine and knots the shoulders so bad that you’ve got to make a conscious effort to try and relax. And despite those efforts you can’t seem to unwind.

The springs were wound way too tight for me last night. Didn’t sleep. Felt crook in the guts and couldn’t find that position in bed that would let me drift off. Tried counting sheep, spent hours watching the light show on closed eyelids and spent time trying to blanken my mind to find that spot where I could retreat and take stock even if just for a couple of hours.

There are days when things just seem to be on the edge of slipping away. Days when despite a sense of excitement that the apprehension just builds and fears become all consuming, when the future all of a sudden seems muddy again.

And in being in that unwanted place I am reminded of a quote from Norman Mailer’s book – Armies of the Night –

Deliver us from our curse for we must end on the road to that mystery where courage, death and dream of love give promise of sleep.