The Inevitability of Hurt

I had a long chat with daughter number 1 last night – daughter number 2 does not wish to see or talk to me at the moment and has told me not to blog anything about it so I guess in doing so I may be in even more trouble than I am.

There is an inevitability of hurt in a marriage breakup. First and foremost a sense of betrayal of the aggrieved partner, maybe some shame, sense of bewilderment and fear for the future. There is also pain for the kids and a desire on all parts to know reasons why things don’t turn out the way you hope they are going to.

For me though there are no clear answers and that is something that I have tried to explain with a singular lack of success. I said to my daughter that I place all of the blame on myself. And I meant it, my wife tried for years to re-engage me and I kept myself to myself. There is no blame to be attached to my kids even though they may be wondering if they could have done anything differently. I hope that they all know that.

And now the healing has to start. The relationship with those people will be different but I hope will also continue to grow. There is always a sense of grief and even though I am the person responsible for that grief I still feel it. It may sound trite to say I’m sorry, but I truly am. There have been a lot of years of good times that cannot be erased, and I do not regret any of them, but it is also time for a new chapter, where everyone can move on and explore life anew, as scary as that may be.

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The Inevitability of Hurt

I had a long chat with daughter number 1 last night – daughter number 2 does not wish to see or talk to me at the moment and has told me not to blog anything about it so I guess in doing so I may be in even more trouble than I am.

There is an inevitability of hurt in a marriage breakup. First and foremost a sense of betrayal of the aggrieved partner, maybe some shame, sense of bewilderment and fear for the future. There is also pain for the kids and a desire on all parts to know reasons why things don’t turn out the way you hope they are going to.

For me though there are no clear answers and that is something that I have tried to explain with a singular lack of success. I said to my daughter that I place all of the blame on myself. And I meant it, my wife tried for years to re-engage me and I kept myself to myself. There is no blame to be attached to my kids even though they may be wondering if they could have done anything differently. I hope that they all know that.

And now the healing has to start. The relationship with those people will be different but I hope will also continue to grow. There is always a sense of grief and even though I am the person responsible for that grief I still feel it. It may sound trite to say I’m sorry, but I truly am. There have been a lot of years of good times that cannot be erased, and I do not regret any of them, but it is also time for a new chapter, where everyone can move on and explore life anew, as scary as that may be.

True Confession Time

For a number of years I worked long hours in two jobs and neglected my family in doing so. Several years ago I had an affair with a lady over a period of 6 months but out of guilt I ended it. A year or so after that my father died and I started to question all sorts of things about my life and I came to the realisation that I could maybe have a future with that lady. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail but I will say that it was never my intention to hurt anyone despite the fact that it was inevitable that my wife and family would suffer and that I am truly sorry for their pain.

But that relationship began as a friendship and through that friendship I found myself opening up to that lady more than I had to anyone else ever in my life. She knows my deepest darkest secrets and I know hers.

Eventually I confessed to my wife and in February last year we separated. I guess I had the intention to pursue a relationship with that lady but I wasn’t very good at it. I seem to only excell at hurting people sometimes, so whilst I felt that I was moving along emotionally and starting to sort through all of the shit that comes with midlife, there were times when the lady got sick of me and said that she would wait no more for me. So the relationship was on again off again in many ways and that wasn’t fair to anyone.

One night whilst her car was in my driveway, my daughters passed the place i’m living at and saw it. I received a phone call from the youngest and when I asked her how she was I was told “Not good, I don’t think you should come around here anymore!” And then she hung up on me. I then also got an email from the older daughter telling me that the kids had discussed things and that they would never accept that other lady, blaming her totally for my marriage break up. Now I have to say that the marriage break up was solely due to me and no one else, I made choices and I think sitting here now I would make those same choices again.

I heard a friend describe his marriage breakup by saying his wife told him that she loved him but wasn’t in love with him anymore. And that was how I felt. I honestly think we sometimes look too much to see what was right and what was wrong and not simply accept that things change.

No matter the reasons, it again made me step back from the lady and again she accepted my distance and the fact that I needed to talk to my kids about things, and, hopefully sort things out so that we could move forward as free of baggage as possible.

But over the past couple of months things happened that put a strain on things and its not fair to go into detail here so I won’t. Suffice to say that the lady decided to go on an overseas trip with other singles. I feared what might happen but I believed that she needed to go so that she could decide once and for all whether or not we were meant to be together.

Now contact on the trip was minimal but she did manage to phone me a couple of times and we did chat on messenger and each time she professed her love for me and that I needed to trust her.

I was supposed to pick her up from the airport today but last night I got a phone call from her telling me not to bother, that she wanted to catch the train. I knew there was something wrong and I spent the night tossing and turning, not sleeping a wink and I convinced myself that she had found someone else. I figured that if she still cared for me she would contact me quickly on her return and early this morning I got a phone call from her asking me to come and pick her up. Everything was alright I thought.

But when we did meet, there was a wall there, and not long into the trip home I found out that she had commenced a relationship with a guy in the past four days and she wanted to pursue those possibilities.

She tells me that she wants to do that because she has no confidence that we will move forward. I deserve that criticism.

Hence the title of the last post and this one should maybe be “Slipped Away”.