I hate to say I told you so but…

I told you so…Man Colds are worse than girl colds ๐Ÿ™‚  Queenslander researchers have found that the immune system in men is weaker than that in women but the differences disappear after menopause.  They reckon it’s natures way of looking after women of child bearing years to ensure the survival of the species.

That got me thinking about the origin of the word menopause.   I thought it meant women put men on pause because of a loss of interest in sex.  But not true.  It actually comes from the Greek “men” meaning month and “pausis” meaning cessation – therefore cessation of the monthly visitor.   Now I’ve gotta say that given a man cold probably only comes once a year thats gotta be better than the alternative.

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Problem Management

I’m a little over three months into a nine month contract at my new place of work and I do feel like I’m starting to achieve a few things.  I’ve spent a lot of time in the past couple of weeks documenting and developing incident and problem management procedures, a task I could have avoided if I’d just googled “Problem Management” a little earlier and plagiarised the following process.   Much simpler and better than what I wrote.

Dad Humour

I wonder sometimes whether my kids will ever “get” my sense of humour.  A couple of weeks ago daughter number one told me she had sort of broken up with her new boy friend, at his request.  She then proceeded to tell me that for the next couple of nights after he’d done that he turned up to see her.

“I’m just going with the flow Dad,” she told me.   And so I told her to give me his phone number so I could call him and ask what his intentions were.   She declined of course, but I think she actually believed I would have done it.

The night after I told my youngest daughter in my most earnest voice that it was time that she and I had a discussion about the Birds and the Bees, whereupon she got up and said that she’d be reading a book in her bedroom.   Again I was kidding but sometimes they don’t seem to get it.

A couple of weeks ago I told them that if William Shatner married Fifi Box, she’d be Fifi Shatner-Box.  That one they got, both of them posting it on Facebook.   Last night daughter number two asked me if I’d seen the movie Thirteen and I said “No, but I’ve seen the sequel Fourteen.”    I thought it was hilarious, she just raised her eyebrows.

Will they ever get me?

Slippery

Melbourne traffic is pretty bad these days but sometimes the drive to work feels like Moses parting the Red Sea as the lanes open up before me.  Other times it’s like being in a sewer with turds dropping into every free spot.  Today though I saw a vehicle which I thought could slip in and out of traffic pretty easily.

Cankles

I went out for a business lunch today hosted by a bloke from Missouri and we got talking about American politics.  Somehow we got onto Bill Clinton and how he seems to believe that he ought to still be President.  I asked him if he thought Hilary would resign as Secretary of State this year and run in the Primaries against Obama.  He thought it unlikely because it would be considered bad form to run against an incumbent.

From there he got onto the fact that Hilary always wears pant suits to hide her cankles.

Now cankles isn’t something I am familiar with so I sort of laughed and pretended I knew what he was talking about and first thing I did tonight when I switched this thing on was google it.  So for those as ill informed as I am let me say that the Urban Dictionary defines cankles as –

“The area in affected female legs where the calf meets the foot in an abrupt, nontapering terminus; medical cause: adipose tissue surrounding the soleus tendon, probably congenital, worsened by weight gain and improved in appearance only by boots. From the English “calf” meaning wide portion of the lower leg, and “ankle” meaning slender joint of leg with foot.”

So now I find myself wondering if this is a common affliction.  There is a cankle haters group on Facebook and dozens of people called Cankle which I reckon I might consider changing if it was me.  It would be like having a name like Cameltoe or Halitosis, OK for a laugh but you wouldn’t want to live with it.  There are youtube videos on how to get rid of cankles and people have even written books on them.  And apparently the fact that Hilary has them is well known to most septics [for non-Aussie readers septic is short for septic tanks which is rhyming slang for yanks).

So is this a major medical issue of the 21st century or is it so 20th century.  That’s the problem when you get older like me you miss out on popular culture.

One of those Days

I should have stayed home yesterday.  I’d been on and off the throne for around 12 hours and given things had slowed down a bit overnight I decided that I’d attempt to get to work because I’d set up a few meetings that I didn’t want to postpone.   Let me just say that sharting isn’t fun and I thought that it would be safer to drive in than catch the train so that in the event that the urge to purge hit me mid way I’d have the chance to make a quick stop and dash for the dunny [yes that word again].

Not only had I been on the crapper more than I care to, but my lady was also crook and expelling stuff from the opposite end to me.

After an hour and a half of battling traffic, proving that I generally make the right decision catching a train and tram and reading a book, I arrived at work.  Now we are currently still negotiating our lease of these premises so we are at the mercy of the people who share the building with us because they are the ones with the keys.  Normally someone is there at around 8:15 am but yesterday they didn’t arrive until 9.   I walked…taking my mind off the churning of the gut and wishing to hell that they would hurry up before it became very embarrasing.

We got inside and on hooking up our laptops found our network down and we were without access to the internet and emails, which these days is a big deal.    Then as we sat down to work one of my colleagues received a phone call telling him that a mate had dropped dead.  But the day got better after that, as did my gut, thankfully.

So some days are better than others and I’ve learnt that it is all about context, an upset tummy isn’t as bad as carking, and a delay in connecting on line isn’t the end of the world.  And here’s a clip from Louis C K that does talk about context.

Peacock

Here’s another Dad joke sent to me by a mate of mine – don’t read if you’re offended by political incorrectness ๐Ÿ™‚
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.


My dad kept staring at him.


The teenager would look and find him staring every time.


When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’


Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.


And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

   
Got stoned once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’

It’s not 80-30

And in visiting yet another on my blogroll Pearl over at “Pearl, Why you little…” wrote a post about carrying a notebook everwhere and writing down things that become fodder for her posts and I remembered I overheard something on the train the other day that I was going to mention but had forgotten about.

A young girl talking loudly on her iPhone said “It’s a 50-50 proposition you know, it’s not like it’s 80-30…”

Now there’s a budding economist.

Hey I’ve got the fever

Is it just me or is the hayfever season lasting longer than usual.  Maybe it’s the extra rain and the fact that the grasses have gone gang busters.   And how the hell do you blow your nose politely on the train when it’s packed full of people doing their best to ignore the bloke in the ill fitting suit honking into a hanky already dripping with…well with snot; can’t really call it anything else.  So you have to try and manoeveur your hand into your pocket and hope that the hanky isn’t so wet it will leave suspicious patches on the trouser leg.  And then when you finally get it back in another sneeze approaches and you have to grab it quickly before you spray the lady with the blue rinse sitting in front of you.   And the worst part of all is that as I am getting older it seems to be getting worst.  Give me another couple of years and I’ll be blowing my nose into a beach towell and that means I’m gonna need much bigger pockets.

Dad Jokes

OK I’m a lousy joke teller with a limited repertoire and I tend to tell the same ones over if I have a new audience but there are a couple that do get a laugh, usually politically incorrect and probably very corny.   When a man gets to a certain age his kids generally call them Dad Jokes.

So here are a couple that always get a laugh and a groan.

“Did you hear about that actress who stabbed herself!? It was just on the news! Reese whatshername!”
“Witherspoon!?”
“No, with a knife.”

***********************
I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car and I looked down and realized he was a dwarf!!!
He looked up at me and said โ€œIโ€™M NOT HAPPY!โ€
So I said, โ€œWell then, which one are you then?โ€

***********************
Not so remarkably there are a number of sites dedicated to the art of Dad Jokes and here are a few of them –

Dad’s Bad Jokes
Dad Squad
Dad Jokes

And there’s even a Dad Jokes Facebook group which I would urge everyone who loves bad jokes to join.

And if anyone has any really bad ones please leave them in the comments section.

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