Old Work Revelations

A busy few weeks with not a lot of time nor inclination to write.  I’m Acting General Manager of a basketball organisation at the moment and will hold the position for another few weeks when the new GM will begin.  I’m doing it as a volunteer and it is not an onerous task but still involves a couple of hours work most nights.  To be frank I have realised that I don’t get as much satisfaction out of volunteering as I used to. In fact, if I’m honest, I would say that it is really a bit of an imposition.

I have been given an extended offer of employment at my current workplace and I am talking to my boss about the detail in the role first thing tomorrow morning.  At the moment the pay remains as it has been the past year but I can’t complain given the current job environment, plus the fact that I recently got a 10% bonus for my work last year.  The position description I have been given was not exactly what I have been doing, some things were left out, others are included that I am not currently responsible for, so the meeting tomorrow will clarify that for me.

A former boss has been in contact with me and a few of the issues I had with him have been discussed.  Not to the point where there has been any great resolution or closure but I certainly was able to get some things off my chest and got an apology of sorts from him.  I certainly got an agreement that I was only the first of several who were shafted, including himself.

I will try and post more in coming days.

Letting go of the Anger and Other Things

I’ll start with an updat on last weeks update – I spoke to the mother of the girl allegedly dating a drug dealer and she is making some discreet enquiries.  She was grateful for the heads up and I guess time will tell whether the story is right or not.

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I’ve been asked to run for another committee and I’m weighing it up.  I have to find the passion for the sport again.   I find that I have lost a lot of respect for people involved and although I think I can do a better job than some of them I worry about the impact on available time.  I am enjoying having weekends off and spending time in the garden.   That will likely change if I take this position on and I am not prepared to do it unless I am 100% committed.  Maybe I still need some more time away from it.   Maybe I will never fully embrace it again.

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My contract is up in about 8 weeks so I am going to ask the boss tomorrow what his intentions are.  I look back twelve months and realise how much I have learned in this role but recognise that there is still a lot more to be done.   I remember the first couple of months when I was floundering not knowing anything at all about ISO 9001 or 27001, being a novice in Business Continuity Planning and Risk Management, but as the months wore on and my background knowledge increased and I was able to call on my former experience both in the police force and as CEO of one of the largest not-for-profit sporting groups in the country, I started to realise that I could make a difference and I like to think I have.   I guess I’ll find out soon if my boss concurs.

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I do keep dwelling on anger and an incident yesterday made me think a bit more about the impact of a marriage breakup on the kids and the log term impact on them.  I won’t go into detail of the actual comments made to me here because that’ll just get me into more trouble but I thought I’d make a few general comments.

I know better than some how comments made to children can have a profound impact on their lives, as can the actions of others.   Often there is no malice in the comments and no actual forethought about the long term impact of those actions.  I started to think about what impact it may have on kids to find that their parents no longer love each other and I have come to this conclusion.   Younger kids, if they are lucky, get the unconditional love of their parents, and that love is something totally different to that of the love between a husband and a wife.  Maybe to those who haven’t gone through a marriage break up this is not something that is true.  But I think for those of us who have it ought to be self evident.

I think that kids can feel threatened by that.  For them the love of a mother and father is the same as that of the love for their brothers and sisters and it is unconditional, just like that of a parent for a child.  But when a marriage goes wrong, particularly when they don’t see what was wrong, then it is something that is very hard to understand.  Perhaps in those cases, the worry is that if one parent falls out of love with the other, it is not a big stretch to think that they may also fall out of love with their children.  They don’t understand, maybe they can’t understand, that the love is different.

It seems to me that the parent who has the bulk of the custodianship of the child has a great responsibility to ensure that the child is protected from the detail of the breakup.  There are some things that children don’t need to know and both parents should do their absolute best to ensure that kids know that they are loved by both parents equally.  If they hear criticism of one, then the fears of losing that love creep in and the kids can hang onto anger about the breakup far longer than they should.   Maybe they can never really understand it until they get older.   It is difficult for the parent who is seen as the instigator of the breakup to defend themselves in those circumstances without bagging the other parent.  And as tempting as that is at times it is far better to keep quiet about things even when it means they still cop the bulk of the flak from the kids.

Sometimes the whole truth and nothing but the truth ca do way more harm than good.  Why be vindicative enough to drag the other parent off the pedestal.   There may be a future time and place for everything to be told, or maybe not.

I know that I have often referred to Don Miguel Ruiz and his book “The Four Agreements”because it had such a profound impact on me.   Back in the early days of this blog I wrote a piece about The First Agreement – Be Impeccable with your Word and I think it applies here.  It’s an orphan piece that drew no comments at the time so I would be interested in any comments on that now if anyone has the time to read it.

I know that there are a lot of readers of this blog who have gone through marriage breakups.  Tell me how your kids coped with it and how you may have tired to protect them from the detail.

Letting go of the Anger and Other Things

I’ll start with an updat on last weeks update – I spoke to the mother of the girl allegedly dating a drug dealer and she is making some discreet enquiries.  She was grateful for the heads up and I guess time will tell whether the story is right or not.

******************************************
I’ve been asked to run for another committee and I’m weighing it up.  I have to find the passion for the sport again.   I find that I have lost a lot of respect for people involved and although I think I can do a better job than some of them I worry about the impact on available time.  I am enjoying having weekends off and spending time in the garden.   That will likely change if I take this position on and I am not prepared to do it unless I am 100% committed.  Maybe I still need some more time away from it.   Maybe I will never fully embrace it again.

******************************************
My contract is up in about 8 weeks so I am going to ask the boss tomorrow what his intentions are.  I look back twelve months and realise how much I have learned in this role but recognise that there is still a lot more to be done.   I remember the first couple of months when I was floundering not knowing anything at all about ISO 9001 or 27001, being a novice in Business Continuity Planning and Risk Management, but as the months wore on and my background knowledge increased and I was able to call on my former experience both in the police force and as CEO of one of the largest not-for-profit sporting groups in the country, I started to realise that I could make a difference and I like to think I have.   I guess I’ll find out soon if my boss concurs.

******************************************
I do keep dwelling on anger and an incident yesterday made me think a bit more about the impact of a marriage breakup on the kids and the log term impact on them.  I won’t go into detail of the actual comments made to me here because that’ll just get me into more trouble but I thought I’d make a few general comments.

I know better than some how comments made to children can have a profound impact on their lives, as can the actions of others.   Often there is no malice in the comments and no actual forethought about the long term impact of those actions.  I started to think about what impact it may have on kids to find that their parents no longer love each other and I have come to this conclusion.   Younger kids, if they are lucky, get the unconditional love of their parents, and that love is something totally different to that of the love between a husband and a wife.  Maybe to those who haven’t gone through a marriage break up this is not something that is true.  But I think for those of us who have it ought to be self evident.

I think that kids can feel threatened by that.  For them the love of a mother and father is the same as that of the love for their brothers and sisters and it is unconditional, just like that of a parent for a child.  But when a marriage goes wrong, particularly when they don’t see what was wrong, then it is something that is very hard to understand.  Perhaps in those cases, the worry is that if one parent falls out of love with the other, it is not a big stretch to think that they may also fall out of love with their children.  They don’t understand, maybe they can’t understand, that the love is different.

It seems to me that the parent who has the bulk of the custodianship of the child has a great responsibility to ensure that the child is protected from the detail of the breakup.  There are some things that children don’t need to know and both parents should do their absolute best to ensure that kids know that they are loved by both parents equally.  If they hear criticism of one, then the fears of losing that love creep in and the kids can hang onto anger about the breakup far longer than they should.   Maybe they can never really understand it until they get older.   It is difficult for the parent who is seen as the instigator of the breakup to defend themselves in those circumstances without bagging the other parent.  And as tempting as that is at times it is far better to keep quiet about things even when it means they still cop the bulk of the flak from the kids.

Sometimes the whole truth and nothing but the truth ca do way more harm than good.  Why be vindicative enough to drag the other parent off the pedestal.   There may be a future time and place for everything to be told, or maybe not.

I know that I have often referred to Don Miguel Ruiz and his book “The Four Agreements”because it had such a profound impact on me.   Back in the early days of this blog I wrote a piece about The First Agreement – Be Impeccable with your Word and I think it applies here.  It’s an orphan piece that drew no comments at the time so I would be interested in any comments on that now if anyone has the time to read it.

I know that there are a lot of readers of this blog who have gone through marriage breakups.  Tell me how your kids coped with it and how you may have tired to protect them from the detail.

Work Choices

On Saturday we went into the City and decided to wander up to the Royal Exhibition Buildings where a Travel Expo was being staged.   We’d been to a backpackers expo there a few weeks ago and I have to admit that was more to our style than this one – trips were more expensive and more aimed towards the upper end of the market and to be honest, out of our price range.   But whilst wandering around I bumped into a lady who is a member of the Board that sacked me last year.  She ignored me, unsurprisingly.

I should take Richard Carlson’s advice on not sweating the small stuff and for the most part I do.  But if I’d asked myself a year ago whether my sacking would still be important a year down the track my answer would have been yes and no.  In fact, when I see the people responsible I find that the anger is still not far from the surface, and this lady bears a bit more responsibility for that anger than some of the others because of her hypocrisy.

For those non-Aussie readers I need to explain a little about the industrial realtions system in this country to explain why I call her a hypocrit.

Under the previous Federal Liberal government a package of industrial relations reforms were introduced under the banner “Work Choices” and this became a major issue at the last Federal election in November 2007, to the point that it was a reason why the former government was thrown out.

Now this particular person is a member of the other major political party and was outspoken and vehement in her opposisition to work choices.   She was also a committed unionist and had in fact been in the forefront of a march by the teachers union on the office of our local member of Parliament, also in 2007.

Work Choices meant that I was unable to sue my former employer for unfair dismissal because they employed less than 100 people.   So this woman, an outspoken opponent of Work Choices, got the protection of that legislation because it meant I was unable to launch a case.   My legal advice was that I had other grounds for suing them, both for breach of contract and for deceptive and misleading conduct, but the advice was that they may have been more difficult to win, whereas the unfair dismissal was pretty much a fait accomli.

I have had someone ask me how I know this lady didn’t defend me and argue for my retention and it’s true I can’t say she didn’t.   What I can say is that she remains a board member and therefore if she had argued on my behalf, she did not have the courage of her convictions otherwise she would have resigned from the Board as well.

The other major difficulty I have with this woman is that she was one of three Board members who knew that at the time they were sacking me, we were buying a house.  She in fact knew that the day before I was sacked, we had put a 10% deposit on the house which we stood to lose had I not been able to find work immediately.  She was party to the partyline they pedalled after sacking me that it was just “unfortunate timing”.   Most people agree that is was morally and ethically corrupt.  It wasn’t as if the sacking wasn’t planned, in fact they had decided to get rid of me in February, but held off telling me because it suited them politically.

So I am still sweating this small stuff as much as I wish I could put it behind me.   I wish I could let go of the anger, but at the moment it is still there.

As a postscript, in the past few days the Work Choices legislation has been repealed and as it now stands I would be able to sue them for unfair dismissal, but not retrospectively unfortunately.

Work Choices

On Saturday we went into the City and decided to wander up to the Royal Exhibition Buildings where a Travel Expo was being staged.   We’d been to a backpackers expo there a few weeks ago and I have to admit that was more to our style than this one – trips were more expensive and more aimed towards the upper end of the market and to be honest, out of our price range.   But whilst wandering around I bumped into a lady who is a member of the Board that sacked me last year.  She ignored me, unsurprisingly.

I should take Richard Carlson’s advice on not sweating the small stuff and for the most part I do.  But if I’d asked myself a year ago whether my sacking would still be important a year down the track my answer would have been yes and no.  In fact, when I see the people responsible I find that the anger is still not far from the surface, and this lady bears a bit more responsibility for that anger than some of the others because of her hypocrisy.

For those non-Aussie readers I need to explain a little about the industrial realtions system in this country to explain why I call her a hypocrit.

Under the previous Federal Liberal government a package of industrial relations reforms were introduced under the banner “Work Choices” and this became a major issue at the last Federal election in November 2007, to the point that it was a reason why the former government was thrown out.

Now this particular person is a member of the other major political party and was outspoken and vehement in her opposisition to work choices.   She was also a committed unionist and had in fact been in the forefront of a march by the teachers union on the office of our local member of Parliament, also in 2007.

Work Choices meant that I was unable to sue my former employer for unfair dismissal because they employed less than 100 people.   So this woman, an outspoken opponent of Work Choices, got the protection of that legislation because it meant I was unable to launch a case.   My legal advice was that I had other grounds for suing them, both for breach of contract and for deceptive and misleading conduct, but the advice was that they may have been more difficult to win, whereas the unfair dismissal was pretty much a fait accomli.

I have had someone ask me how I know this lady didn’t defend me and argue for my retention and it’s true I can’t say she didn’t.   What I can say is that she remains a board member and therefore if she had argued on my behalf, she did not have the courage of her convictions otherwise she would have resigned from the Board as well.

The other major difficulty I have with this woman is that she was one of three Board members who knew that at the time they were sacking me, we were buying a house.  She in fact knew that the day before I was sacked, we had put a 10% deposit on the house which we stood to lose had I not been able to find work immediately.  She was party to the partyline they pedalled after sacking me that it was just “unfortunate timing”.   Most people agree that is was morally and ethically corrupt.  It wasn’t as if the sacking wasn’t planned, in fact they had decided to get rid of me in February, but held off telling me because it suited them politically.

So I am still sweating this small stuff as much as I wish I could put it behind me.   I wish I could let go of the anger, but at the moment it is still there.

As a postscript, in the past few days the Work Choices legislation has been repealed and as it now stands I would be able to sue them for unfair dismissal, but not retrospectively unfortunately.

Musical Monday – They Don’t Understand

Next time you’re feeling a little impatient or angry about standing in a queue, or maybe just like you’re in a hurry, try and remember this song from Sawyer Brown.

Musical Monday – They Don’t Understand

Next time you’re feeling a little impatient or angry about standing in a queue, or maybe just like you’re in a hurry, try and remember this song from Sawyer Brown.

Anger

I have always been good at wearing masks, at not letting people see the true me, or at least only revealing peeps of myself to others. I have this thing about controlling my emotions and not letting them out, which has had the effect of concealing how I really feel about many different things. Oddly enough, it is in writing that I am most able to express myself.

I have expressed true anger three times in my life. That doesn’t mean I haven’t felt, just that I have let myself off the leash only three times that I can remember. The first was when I was around 16 years old when Dad came home drunk one evening. The verbal row got physical that night and I remember hearing what was going on and coming up to the loungeroom from the reuge of my bedroom in time to see him raise his arm with a milk bottle in his hand as if he was going to strike my mother. I stepped between them and yelled at the top of my voice whereupon he backed down immediately and went to bed. I was so angry I was shaking and I left the house to wander around the block for an hour or so.

The second time was when son number two was playing up one night and refused to come to a basketball game with the rest of the family. I made him come and verbally ripped shreds off him all the way in the car about how he should remember that he was part of a family and therefore needed to do things with the family or consider leaving. I think he was about ten or so and I have regretted it ever since. I still would have made him come, I just would have toned down the language.

The third time was when my wife’s niece was staying with us and we had just purchased a couple of Brittany Spaniel puppies from friends. She asked if she could take them for a walk and we expressly forbade her taking the puppies around to the place we had brought them from because we knew the people wouldn’t be home. It was coming onto full dark and she and son number two still hadn’t returned from the walk so I got in the car to go searching for them. I found them coming back from the direction of the place we had told them not to go. When I asked if that was where they had been she lied to me and said no. I ripped right into her then as well not only for going where she had romised she wouldn’t but then for lying about it.

Now there is some irony in a couple of those instances. Firstly in telling my son he had to be part of the family when I have walked out on that. And secondly for telling my niece off for lying when I became an expert at it over the past few years.

I am still very good at masking emotion, at failing to display those true feelings and keeping everything under a tight rein. I wonder if I had not done so how things may have turned out.

Anger

I have always been good at wearing masks, at not letting people see the true me, or at least only revealing peeps of myself to others. I have this thing about controlling my emotions and not letting them out, which has had the effect of concealing how I really feel about many different things. Oddly enough, it is in writing that I am most able to express myself.

I have expressed true anger three times in my life. That doesn’t mean I haven’t felt, just that I have let myself off the leash only three times that I can remember. The first was when I was around 16 years old when Dad came home drunk one evening. The verbal row got physical that night and I remember hearing what was going on and coming up to the loungeroom from the reuge of my bedroom in time to see him raise his arm with a milk bottle in his hand as if he was going to strike my mother. I stepped between them and yelled at the top of my voice whereupon he backed down immediately and went to bed. I was so angry I was shaking and I left the house to wander around the block for an hour or so.

The second time was when son number two was playing up one night and refused to come to a basketball game with the rest of the family. I made him come and verbally ripped shreds off him all the way in the car about how he should remember that he was part of a family and therefore needed to do things with the family or consider leaving. I think he was about ten or so and I have regretted it ever since. I still would have made him come, I just would have toned down the language.

The third time was when my wife’s niece was staying with us and we had just purchased a couple of Brittany Spaniel puppies from friends. She asked if she could take them for a walk and we expressly forbade her taking the puppies around to the place we had brought them from because we knew the people wouldn’t be home. It was coming onto full dark and she and son number two still hadn’t returned from the walk so I got in the car to go searching for them. I found them coming back from the direction of the place we had told them not to go. When I asked if that was where they had been she lied to me and said no. I ripped right into her then as well not only for going where she had romised she wouldn’t but then for lying about it.

Now there is some irony in a couple of those instances. Firstly in telling my son he had to be part of the family when I have walked out on that. And secondly for telling my niece off for lying when I became an expert at it over the past few years.

I am still very good at masking emotion, at failing to display those true feelings and keeping everything under a tight rein. I wonder if I had not done so how things may have turned out.